(Anthony Albanese enters a large, gleaming and sparsely furnished office. Xi Jinping is sitting behind a desk, on which is a small globe of the Earth that he is slowly spinning between his hands. He gestures for Albo to sit opposite him.)
Xi: Handsome Boy, welcome.
Albo: Xi, it ish an honour to be with you. (Pulling out his phone) Do you mind if we take a quick shelfie before we get down to bishnesh? My thoushandsh of followersh back home have been woving my poshtsh on Eksh during thish twade mission to China!
Xi: You have been using X in China? This platform is banned by my government. How have you been able to use this platform?
Albo (quickly putting his phone away): Um, I haven’t. It musht be one of those fake accountsh. They are sho annoying! They alwaysh make fun of my wishp!
Xi: Yes. You should not permit your people to be so disrespectful, Handsome Boy. You are their leader. They must admire you for your wisdom and vision. Disrespect leads to disorder. And disorder is bad for the people.
Albo: That’sh eashy for you to shay. All your people are Chinese. I don’t even know what an Aushtwalian ish any more. The countwy is sho full of Indiansh and…
Xi: And?
Albo: Um, never mind. (Looking around the office.) Anyway, it’s nishe to be back. Have you wedecowated the offish?
Xi: Yes. You are wise to notice. I have installed this giant new TV screen that will interest you. Please, let me demonstrate. (He turns the globe and places a finger on Moscow. The huge TV screen lights up with live vision of Vladimir Putin at his desk in the Kremlin.)
Albo: Ish that Putin? You should hear what my fwiend Volodomyr Shelenshky shaysh about him.
Xi (glaring): You will tell me this when I consider it necessary.
Albo: Whatever you shay, Xi! Sho, how did you get your camewa into Putin’s offish anyway?
Xi: We have ways. (He spins the globe and places a finger on London. The screen switches to an office in Number 10 Downing Street, where Keir Starmer and Emanuel Macron are in flagrante delicto. Xi is disgusted.) Tell, me, Handsome Boy, if the people of Britain and France knew their leaders behaved like this, would they rise up in revolution?
Albo (staring fixedly at the screen): Behaved like what?
Xi: Never mind. (He spins the globe again and places a finger on Canberra.)
Albo: Hey, that’sh my offish! What’s Jim Chalmers doing in there? And why ish is he measuring the bookshelves? Maybe he wantsh to replashe them for me while I’m gone. I alwaysh thought they were a washte of shpace! Good old Jim. Shuch a nishe Tweasuwer.
Xi: I think I have sufficiently demonstrated my surveillance powers. I could show you the Oval Office in Washington but we both know there is nothing to see there.
Albo: I dunno, I’ve never been in it. What’s it like?
Xi: The current occupier is an enemy of our people, Handsome Boy.
Albo: You can shay that again. He shcaresh the shit out of me. Pardon my Fwench.
Xi: He must be crushed. The world has had enough of hedonistic American exceptionalism. You will have noticed that Shanghai is now the world’s commercial centre. It is a glittering achievement of the Chinese people.
Albo: You can shay that again! I’ve never sheen sho many designer shtores in one plashe! It’sh wike Parish without the Mushlims! And the Aushtwalian wagyu beef at the weshtauwant ish sho cheap. How do you do it, Xi?
Xi: As I said, we have ways.
Albo (rubbing his hands together): Well, I shupposhe we should get down to bishnesh. Why did you call me up here, Xi?
Xi: Yes, thank you. I am honoured that you have come so far for this private discussion.
Albo: I’m all earsh, Xi!
Xi: I want to tell you that buying submarines from the United States is a very dangerous idea. The United States has no business in Asia, and the presence of more of its submarines could provoke China into asserting its regional dominance.
Albo: Oh, Xi, you didn’t have to worry. Thoshe shubs are never going to be dewivered! And with me in the Prime Minister’s office, you’ve got nothing to wowwy about! As if I’m going to stop China taking over the wegion. I mean, Aushtwawia is half Chinese already anyway!
Xi: You are a loyal friend, Handsome Boy.
Albo: Anything else?
Xi: Yes. I also want to tell you that China is embarking on a revolution of renewable energy. We are going to power all our industries and cities with windmills and solar panels.
Albo: That ish mushic to my ears, Xi! Wait till I tell my fwiend Chwish Bowen about this.
Xi: This is news that will be very popular back in your country, Handsome Boy. You should tell all your people that all powerful nations like China will in the glorious future rely solely on this renewable energy.
Albo: I’ll get my shtaff to shtart dwafting up the pwesh wewease immediatewy!
Xi: That is good, Handsome Boy. Your people will be very pleased to hear this.
Albo: But wait! What about the coal you buy fwom ush? Without that, Aushtwawia will go bwoke!
Xi: That will continue. Tell your people China needs the coal to make the solar panels. It is in fact why the solar panels that we sell to you are so cheap.
Albo: Of course! How else would you do it!
Xi: Now run along, Handsome Boy, before you start talking about your humble beginnings in socialist housing.
Albo: Thanks, Xi. Maybe we can talk about that neksht year, huh?
