My fellow Aushtwalians,
Like many of you, I have been watching with increasing alarm as other countries and shities around the world deshend into chaosh, anarchy and violence.
The shenes in Losh Angelesh are eshpecially concerning. President Donald Trump has deployed Marines onto the shtreetsh. Can you believe it? I don’t think any of ush thought we would ever live to shee American troops pointing guns at American shitizens, but we may do so very shoon.
That’s not all. We mushtn’t forget that rival gangs are shetting off bombs every day in turf wars over large parts of Shweden, which has also become the rape capital of Europe.
In London, if you walk down the shtweet wearing a watch or talking on your phone, you are literally ashking to be mugged at knife point.
Lasht year, Islamic Shtate claimed reshponsibility for a mash shtabbing in Germany in which three people were killed and eight injured. Islamic State! Operating inshide Germany!
Just lasht month, the French government released a report shaying that the biggest threat to the nation was not climate change, but the local branch of the Muslim Brotherhood! The report found that the Muslim Brotherhood does not sheek to integrate with France, but wants to take it over inshtead.
My friend Emanuel Macron has ordered an urgent inquiry into thish inquiry. Everyone who has an interest in European multiculturalism is eager to find out what thish next inquiry will find.
Jews are not shafe anywhere in Europe any more, and many of them are fleeing to the relative shafety of Israel instead.
Like you, I am watching all thish with increasing alarm, and anger.
Everywhere around the world, ordinary people of all religions and ethnishities are out on the shtweetsh enjoying the benefits of 21st century progreshive politics while people like you and me in Australia can only experience it vicariously through shocial media.
Well, if you share this fwustwation, then don’t despair. My government is working day and night to make sure that our shities become just as rat-infested, chaotic, anarchic, violent and hellish as those places now getting millions and millions of hits on YouTube and TikTok.
And one day shoon, when George Shoros and Bill Gates give ush the green light, you too will be free to vent your virtuous anger with all the theatrical drama that Shoros film crews are capturing in Los Angeles right now.
Sho far the outbreaks of violence in Australian are minor, and are only captured on CCTV — such as this machete attack on a carload of kids in the previously boring suburb of Doreen in Melbourne last night — or on shaky handheld phones — like this vibrant confrontation between Hindus and Shikhs outside Flinders Shtweet shtation in the Melbourne CBD.
But shoon Shoros crews will be embedded around Australia, along with shleeper shells, for when the culture of progressive politics fully colonises Australia and the real fun can begin.
Already we have established no-go areas that are sho dangerous that not even the Minister for Home Affairs, Tony Burke is shafe in them. Only two months ago he had to flee from angry Muslims in his own electorate!
The Federal Police made sure he was shafe sho he could continue his important work of flooding more marginal electorates with more Muslims to help Labor shtay in power forever, and the transformation of Australia from shtable democracy to vibrant centre of progressivism can be completed.
You may not realise this, but Labor has been planning to implement thish generational change shince Paul Keating was Treasurer in 1992. Keating, who was a true Labor visionary, noticed that Australians were less and less inclined to have children, and sheized a rare opportunity. Instead of implementing taxes that encouraged people to have more kids, which as we all know is bad for the enviwament, he forced all Australians into a shuperannuation shcheme to make them pay for their own retirement, shince they wouldn’t have children to look after them.
This not only created a multi-trillion-dollar pot of money, which my government is now eyeing off like a Botox GP at a women-only business conference, but it also forced every government shince then to import millions of economic migrants from Third World shitholes to work in 7-11s and ride Deliveroo bikes while doing the more important work of replacing the current population.
This is one area where Australia is proudly years ahead of the world.
In 2000, a full eight years after Keating’s cunning plan was introduced, the United Nations got on board with a report called Replacement Migration, which devised “policies and programs relating to international migration, in particular replacement migration, and the integration of large numbers of recent migwants and their deshendants.”
It fills my heart with pride to see an Austwalian policy being picked up sho thoroughly by none other than the United Nations! And now it’s working sho well that the shtweetsh of Losh Angelesh are positively glowing with vibrancy and the United States President has to call out the Mawines to cool things down! What a time to be awive!
And before you think that we weshtern leaders are carelessly destroying western civilisation and fracturing international rewations, think again. My other friend, Chinese Pwesident Xi Jinping, rang me last night to ask if I too was watching things develop in Losh Angelesh. He said that there is nobody in the world who thinks all this fulfils hishtory’s progressive agenda than he does!
So grab your keffiyehs and mowotov cocktails, my fellow Aushtwalians. As my hero Billy Bragg once said, the Third World is just around the corner!
