HUGH MARKS (ABC Managing Director, addressing a boardroom full of very important people): Good morning everyone. I suppose you all know why I’ve called this urgent and dramatic meeting.
PENELOPE WATSON (ABC First Nations Strategy Director): You’re going to step down and hand the role of Managing Director over to a First Nations woman?
MARKS: Penny, I’ve told you, if you really want to use your oppressed identity to get a promotion, you will need to become a Muslim as well. Merely being indigenous and female is as passé as an almond-milk picolo these days, even here at the ABC.
JUSTIN STEVENS (ABC News Director, rushing in with a tray of coffees): Got the coffees, boss! Skim-milk picolo, right?
MARKS (accepting the coffee): Thanks Justin. As long as it’s made by African slaves I don’t care what sort of coffee it is. (Looking at the scowls from around the room.) It’s a joke, everyone. Jeez. Lighten up. It was never this dull at Channel Nine.
WATSON: I’d rather be dull than have white privilege.
MARKS: Penny, you are whiter than Snow… (Dramatic music mysteriously starts playing.) Where’s that music coming from?
SARAH FERGUSON (ABC 730 host, sitting at the other end of the table with a camera set up before her): From here. It’s generating the right atmosphere for my report of this meeting. (Turning to the camera and assuming a stern reporter’s expression.) Hello and welcome to this special 730 report of an extraordinary meeting here on the executive floor of the ABC. The circumstances surrounding this meeting are unprecedented. Senior staff have arrived at work early. Coffees are being distributed. And at the head of the table, ABC Managing Director Hugh Marks is about to call the meeting to order.
MARKS: Yes, thank you, the Duchess of York.
FERGUSON: Marks has confused me with Sarah Ferguson, the woman whose marriage to Prince Andrew afforded her access to some of the richest, most powerful people in the world. But since Andrew’s fall from grace she has returned to being just a commoner with vulgar taste and no job prospects. Confusing me for her shows Marks is potentially out of his depth in this role, and it could prove to be a costly error as the meeting unfolds. He prepares to explain why the meeting has been called…
MARKS: Yes, as I was saying — we have a potentially serious issue to deal with here. I’m sure you all heard that overnight the BBC ran into what we might describe as a bit of strife.
TARQUIN WHITEHOUSE (They/Them): That’s right! Antonio Gutteras told the COP30 meeting in Brazil yesterday that the world has only five years of oxygen left, and the BBC didn’t even report it. If not for Al Jazeera and Chinese State Television, nobody in the world would know that we are all about to die. You have called this meeting to tell us that the ABC can’t also make such an egregious editorial oversight and want to cancel all scheduled broadcasts to cover this breaking story in the way our Charter of Editorial Integrity says we must.
(Marks looks at Justin Stevens, who is Whitehouse’s boss, with an irritated expression.)
STEVENS: You’re right, young, er, what’s you name again?
WHITEHOUSE: Tarquin, but you can call me “them”. Unless of course you are sexually harassing me, in which case can call my lawyer.
STEVENS: I would not dream of doing that, they, er, them. Here’s a job for you. Would you mind running along and seeing if you can get Gutteras on the line? It would be awfully good if we could get the exclusive follow-up on what he said yesterday. While you are doing that, we will stay here and see what we can do about clearing some broadcast schedules.
(Whitehouse excitedly runs from the room.)
FERGUSON: The meeting has barely started and already the drama has escalated. The power balance in the room seems to be shifting. Marks needs to assert his authority here or the consequences for ABC viewers across the nation could be both historic and irreversible.
MARKS: Now, for those who have not heard, BBC Director-general Tim Davie and the head of BBC News Deborah Turness have been forced to resign overnight for having allowed news footage distorting Donald Trump’s role in the January 6 insurrection to be broadcast. I don’t think I need to explain to anybody in this room how this might affect us.
WATSON: Hang on a sec. The heads of the BBC have resigned for… doing what exactly?
MARKS: They allowed footage of Donald Trump recorded on 6 January 2021 to seem like he was inciting a riot at Capitol Hill when in fact he was telling his supporters to protest “peacefully and patriotically”.
WATSON: I still don’t get it. What did they do wrong, though?
MARKS: They distorted the footage to… never mind. What I need is a quick audit of how many reports the ABC has broadcast that deliberately distorts anything that Donald Trump has ever said or done.
STEVENS (Clearing his throat): Um, Hugh, I’m not sure “quick” is the most appropriate adjective in this instance.
MARKS: Yes, I was worried about that. (Looking around the room and noticing that most of the people look bored and disinterested.) Perhaps I haven’t made myself clear. Donald Trump is threatening to sue the BBC for a billion pounds over a single distorted report. If we’ve done the same countless times, the ABC could be sued for even more money.
WATSON: So? Won’t the taxpayer just pay that? I mean, they stole the country. They may as well pay for something.
MARKS: I’m not sure you get it, Penny. If we get sued, Justin and I will lose our jobs, and so will all of you.
WATSON: Pffft. As if that’s going to happen. Albo and Trump are best mates. Trump would never do that to us.
FERGUSON: As expected, Marks is losing his authority over this meeting. It may take years for him to recover from this challenge to his position, a position he now holds with the barest of threads…
MARKS: Sarah, aren’t you the prime offender here? Didn’t you produce a three-part series falsely accusing Trump of being a Russian puppet and editing bits out of his speech that also gave the fake impression that he incited a riot on January 6?
FERGUSON: And so we have reached the part of my report where I will need to edit out the inconvenient bits in order to save my own reputation and to continue to fool the stupid Australian taxpayers who pay my wages. This is Sarah Ferguson reporting about the ABC, by ABC, for the ABC.
TARQUIN WHITEHOUSE (Running back into the room): Great news everybody! Gutteras has offered to fly his entire entourage on separate private jets to Sydney to do an exclusive 24-hour broadcast about the end of the world!
STEVENS (into his phone): Hello, is that scheduling? Clear the next 24 hours on all channels. We’ve got a worldwide scoop…
(Meeting ends)
